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Grammy's Three Rules to Live By
A Handy Guide to the Grammys
by: john j. ryan

Complete List of 1999 Grammy Award Winners

If you have been watching the Grammys for the past five years, (and if you have, you must REALLY love awards shows), you might have noticed that when it comes to handing out Grammys, there are three basic rules to live by:

Rule #1:
The dead nominee ALWAYS wins.

This never fails. Roy Orbison won a Grammy after his death. A few years ago, Natalie Cole swept the grammys after she sang with her dead father. And of course, George Solti, former conducter of the Chicago Symphony, seems to win every year, except this year. This year, a new classical mainstay died, choral conducter Robert Shaw. He won all three Grammys he was nominated for. So remember, if they're dead, they will win!

Rule #2:
If an award is given in which one of the nominees has just performed, that nominee will win if it is the only Grammy they are to receive during the telecast (Awards given before the telecast don't count).

This is my favorite rule. Have you ever wondered why someone who just performed comes out just minutes later to collect a Grammy? This is no coincidence, even one of the Dixie Chicks said so. (Look at their acceptance speech in Real Video: http://www.channel2000.com/Video/accept5.ram) The Dixie Chicks were the only exception to this rule, when Shania Twain performed and then the Dixie Chicks won an award in which Shania was nominated. But 6 out of 9 times during the telecast, when an award was given with a nominee that had just performed, that nominee won. Some examples: Madonna (1st to perform, and gee, what is the 1st award given out?), Ricky Martin, and Alanis Morisettee. When Alanis performed, the announcer announced a different award to be given out, one without Alanis as a nominee, and the presenters changed the award given to something with Alanis as a nominee! And guess who was last to perform, that's right, Lauryn Hill. She performs, and the album of the year is presented. What a coincidence! Just watch next year when they do this rule yet again, it makes the Grammys SO predictable. All you need to know is the performers list is the winners list.

Rule #3:
Generally, the nominee that appeals to people over the age of 50 will win.

This is a rule that has lost some ground over the years with the Grammys trying to become more "hip". However, the rule still holds true for a lot of awards.

Other Grammy goofs:
Rosie missed her cue after the first commercial. She was talking with the crowd, telling Aaron Neville to "Sit his ass down!" Frankly, I think some of her banter with the crowd when she thought she was off camera was better than the garbage the writers gave to her as material. Someone hire the Tony writers for the Grammys as well!

Steve Tyler missed his cue when he began to sing, "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing." He didn't start singing until the 2nd line of the song. Also, the two cello players starting playing 1 measure after the pre-taped (straight from the record) began playing.

A pre-taped Rosie announced "Here to present the next award is Brandy & Monica." Out comes Will & Jada Smith! They weren't quite sure about stepping out because obviously their names were not mentioned, but they were urged on by the producers to go on ahead. That same taped announced was made when the real appearance by Brandy & Monica occured!

Well, there is my Grammy take for this year. I will be watching next year to see if they actually learn from their many mistakes. And if they win an Emmy for the show, and the Emmys (If not already) are going to be in the same hole as the Grammys!

* John J. Ryan *
* Mason Gross School of the Arts - Rutgers University *
* http://www.eden.rutgers.edu/~stelrfan *

(note: the views in this article are not necessarily the views held by Music-Critic.com - although we do agree that the Grammys were a total joke. Billy would also like to add that Rosie O'Donnel can die.


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